Loneliness helps kill depression like a drug acts as an antidote to a weed. Sometimes it’s just needed.
The Night was dark, the weather was cold and the sound of the rain was dreary. “Am I inducing this feeling or am I the one feeling low?” Arita asked herself and all she could hear was the ceiling fan whispering vain into her ears. As she tried to close her eyes and ask her heart “What’s wrong with me?” she heard a voice, the voice from her memory “It’s fine. I just like this girl. CSE 2nd year. She’s a friend of mine.” As she remembered them, the words bruised her heart like a sharp sword stabbing quietly. “Why is it happening with me? Why do I feel the pain?” She recollected the day when Amar had put up a sad WhatsApp profile picture twice. She was worried for him and had asked that what was up with those profile pictures and if anything was wrong. That’s when he told her those words, actually texted but she could hear it and it felt heavy to hold. She had a misunderstanding that the girl was her and presumed that he was lying about the girl being in CSE branch just to make it less obvious that it was her. Somewhere deep down the heart, she knew that she was creating an illusion and what she thought was not true yet she believed it. It was similar to a spider webbing its web around itself to satisfy that they caught a prey when they couldn’t find a prey. What would you call it? A super smart and intelligent spider or an idiot? Well, the answer was known to Arita yet she continued weaving the web of illusion around her subconsciously hoping it to get true. She was wise yet acted stupid, was she to get blamed for it? Amar was always very nice with everyone that it was hard to pick for whom he had a special corner. He wasn’t a playboy or something, he was just nice to everybody; that’s how he was, but Arita missed to realize it. The illusion formed over a month and when Amar seemed lost in his emotions and dejection, she started feeling distant from him. Their texts reduced during that period. It was the same period when Arita felt that she was changing for some reason, which was true in a way; she decided to feel herself again. Her hair had grown long and beautiful but she felt that was not her true self as she was used to carrying her hair short and she liked it that way.
She hadn’t cut her hair and let it grow a bit below the shoulder. She had to change this fact that she wasn’t getting a haircut done, not just because she wanted to grow her hair but because she had a concealed knowledge that Amar liked long hair and it was too hard for her to accept it. So she came out with a solution, that was to get a haircut done and she did it. She felt good doing that. The day she met Amar in college he didn’t react much, told that it suited her but Arita was not satisfied as she didn’t feel he was saying the truth. “Why did you do it?” was what his eyes said. She felt low when she realized that it was a big turn off for him. Now she regretted that she did it. The next moment she convinced herself, “How does it matter anyway? It’s not like he cares whether the hair is long or short.” She started texting less and avoiding meeting him though she badly wanted to. She slowly went into depression without knowing why. She felt that something was missing in her life. The feelings were weird and were senselessly gloomy. One day she couldn’t hold it back anymore and called him to meet but he did not pick. Her anger level crossed its peaks that she almost burst into a cry but couldn’t cry because people were around so she chose to veil behind the doors of the college washroom to let out the pain. After an hour she got a call from Amar which she ignored, but the phone didn’t stop ringing. How long could she hold back; finally she picked it up. They spoke, Amar could understand that something was wrong with her and he knew she was angry as he didn’t pick her call so he explained his reason without her asking for it. Then after a while, her anger cooled when he asked if she could come for lunch to his place on 25th December. As much as she wanted to go she tried to hide it from him that, she did want to go. She told that she was not sure and that she’ll let him know. Finally, he asked where she was and if they could meet and they met. When he tried to cheer her up, he failed miserably. Finally, he asked what the matter was. She just replied, “It’s nothing. Just some past memories and fresh pains.” She refused to talk. Their ways parted as the road lead.
Article by – Charitha Chouhan