There is very much I would like to say that I married for love, but I didn’t! I had an amazing life, right out of college I got married and moved to Italy to Lake Como, which is one of the most beautiful places in the world. I would ride around in my vespa, wind in my hair, sun in my smiling face. I had what you would imagine to be this renaissance painting, so I had the picture perfect life on the outside. But, on the inside it was a different story.
On the inside, it was like that painting was cracking and peeling. So, what was wrong? Everything! I didn’t know it, but I hated myself and kept it up. I kept up this painting especially for me, my parents. I couldn’t let my parents know, especially not my dad, he would kill me. And I spent 9 years suppressing what my heart was telling me, suppressing my emotions, ignoring them. No, but I was lost, broken and was afraid.
We were driving along the lake, going to see some friends that just had their third baby, so we veer up to go to the hospital. And the whole time in the car that we’re going there, it was something inside me that just kept humming “something isn’t sitting right”, I was not feeling okay. We get there, got up to the maternity ward floor, I just couldn’t handle it, I didn’t know what was wrong. And I go down to this hallway, its eerily empty, huge and I find a place on the wall and just brace myself, and I don’t know what’s going on, and this feeling is just getting stronger, shame and blame, “How could you, you are such a horrible person!” It was just going over and over and over again.
I just wanted to jump out of the window and sink to the bottom of the lake, And I’m standing there, and I’m just, “what is wrong with me?” and all of a sudden, all of this screaming in my head just stopped and I’m looking at myself and I was so clear, It was finally clear, because there was only one decision that I could make that “I had to leave, I have to leave this life, I have to leave the marriage, I had to leave everything” and I didn’t know how, because I had trapped myself in that painting that I meticulously curated for 9 years and there was so much at stake, I didn’t want to hurt my husband, he wasn’t a bad person, he was a great person. My family, our friends and 9 years of relationships and then I would have to face people, I was gonna get blamed, I was gonna be hated, I was gonna get yelled at, my dad was definitely gonna kill me, I was so afraid but I made the decision anyway because for the first time in a really long time I made a decision for myself and, for me one of the most difficult ones was calling my dad and telling him.
And I still remember calling him, “I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry” and he pauses and doesn’t say anything and I’m ready, and
he says “AdaPia, come home.”
He said “You aren’t happy, come home!”
I had no idea that he wanted me to be happy, I had all these stories and what I thought he wanted for me and what other people wanted. But the truth only came out when I had a conversation about it. Those uncomfortable conversations are the ones we really need to have, If he thought that my happiness was important, then maybe it was important, maybe happiness is important. What I found when my life fell apart, when that painting of my life lit on fire, I found something I never expected to find, I found a masterpiece, I found a part of me that knows the truth that never veers from the truth, I found my soul, and, whether you call it that for yourselves, know this! that voice inside you is the voice that knows what’s right for you. “Trust Yourself” – GoalCast
Speaker – AdaPia d’Errico
Devil’s Story Board:
- Little Lonely Soul | Chapter 1
- Fear Is Parasite | Chapter 2
- Expectations In LIFE | The truth
- How to create a POSITIVE environment
- When you feel “Nothing Else Matters”
- A beautiful girl in the supermarket
- ‘Being loved’ It feels like?